Parents – thedriversedlady

The art of giving directions

There is an art to giving directions. So many of my students are on edge because they say their parents sometimes wait until the last minute to mention an upcoming turn or lane change. If you want to put your student at ease, give them plenty of warning. As a parent, we live in a world where we are thinking about how to get everywhere as soon as possible. We have driven to most of our destinations over and over, and do not have to plan ahead very much to get where we want to go. You may have to think a little differently when your student is ready to get out there.

First, leave yourself enough time to get there. Being stressed that you are in a rush adds to the panic level in the car, and believe me, your kiddo feels that tension, and often translates that into the idea that they are doing something wrong.

Next, plan your route ahead of time. Think about how to minimize lane changes unless that is what you are trying to conquer. Think about how to not put them into situations where you will both be uncomfortable. Pick one skill to focus on for the day and remember to celebrate those successes.

When you are giving directions, I like to tell them about a turn about when I would put my blinker on. There should be enough time for a couple of clicks – at least 100 feet away, or the distance between telephone poles on the side of the road. If you ask for an upcoming turn too soon – before they can see it, they will be confused. If you wait too long, they will panic.

It’s always nice if you have a landmark they can recognize. I love it when I can say, “follow that blue truck,” or “turn right at the big white sign,” for example. Use small, easy words. “Turn left at the next traffic light.” Don’t just say, “turn up there.” Also, pointing does NOT work. They cannot see your perspective, and it will confuse them. Know too, that when kiddos are nervous, a lot of them confuse left and right. Check to see which blinker they put on when you give a direction so you can make a correction in time if need be.

Don’t assume your kids know where things are, even if they have been there a million times. They have been looking at their phones, and not your driving. Make sure you point out a route when you are driving, and/or give good directions the first time they do it before you expect that they will be able to find their way. Good luck, stay calm, and get out there!

My Turn

It’s finally my turn. After all of these years of being a drivers ed teacher and empathizing with parents, my kiddo is finally 15 1/2, old enough to start legally practice driving out on the roads. We had the day marked on the calendar for about a year. We had read the driving manual and answered the questions. We had a route all planned. We had gone through the basics of vehicle control in a parking lot, and spent time figuring out what all the buttons and levers do in the car. We had the log sheet printed out, and birth certificate in the car.

After years of driving bikes, golf carts, and hearing all of my advice, I felt pretty sure she would be ready to do this. We started slow, went around the parking lot a few times to get the feel for things, and then, finally, out on the road! She was nervous, but calm. Me too.

So everyone always says to me, “But you have a brake!” As with all my students, I am glad it’s there with my kiddo, but I’m not terribly inclined to use it unless I absolutely have to. I want her to use her judgement, and to know I trust her even as I’m there to back her up. She’s doing so well so far! It’s been about two weeks now, and we’ve logged about 11 hours so far. Slow, steady progress from back roads to busier roads, traffic lights and just now doing a few lane changes. Highway will be the next big hurdle. She’s gotten pretty good with forward parking too, which makes it easier to do driving practice when she can park when we get places. Haven’t tried pulling into the garage yet. We’ll work our way up to that one also. I need to come up with a good strategy to explain it first.

So, finally parents, I’m one of you. It’s a fine line between wanting to give too much advice and wanting to let her figure it out. Thankfully she’s also got a good sense of direction, so I’m trying to not tell her which way to go all the time, which is hard for me. I asked her to please forgive me if I did it anyways, since that’s usually my job, and that’s it’s not personal. She’s thankfully being patient with me too. Hang in there everyone! We can do this. Having good communication helps, and having clear, realistic expectations, and patience all around seem to be making it better in our house. Let me know if you have any tips for me or each other for making this transition easier. Thanks!

A mother’s love

A friend just posted a link to this blog and I have to share.

https://carriecariello.com/2019/01/07/it-could-be-my-son/?fbclid=IwAR1l9PPaAaXpbGBSk-7rK92yop1X38C_WMMeNO0Y3EHLGn4LdovQcP3GIsA

I’m moved to tears. As a mother, as a driver’s ed teacher, I cannot say how often I feel this exact same way about both my kiddo and each of my students.

The time of most danger is in the first year that new drivers have their licenses. It takes 5 years experience for a new driver to become average. I use that statistic a lot because it has such weight for me. Not five weeks, or months, five years. There is no way to get through those first five years other than to just get out there and keep driving. So we hold our breath as parents and teacher, and have faith. We trust that we have given them as much information as possible to help them make good choices with statistics, stories, movies, classroom instruction, and best practices demonstrated and tried. We trust that they have a good head on their shoulders to help them creative problem-solve. We trust they have quick reflexes that will help them. We trust that the pedestrians and drivers around them will make good choices that keep them out of harms way. We trust that they will have luck on their side and be able to learn from their mistakes, that are bound to happen, and make it through. Those of us who pray, pray.

Do everything you can to help them. Be a good role model, and show them how you can drive safely. Put the phone down, slow down, and don’t complain too much about people around you who make mistakes, it just makes them paranoid. Be a support, and point out what you are doing when, and why even before they can drive, so they can start to learn even before they have the stress of maneuvering a vehicle. Check up on them and let them know you are doing so. Hold them accountable for transgressions, so they understand the real consequences for mistakes.

Be kind, patient and courteous as a driver. Stay safe, and help these new drivers stay safe as well.

Can I do more than the required driving hours with you?

I recently encountered an inquiry for post-driver’s ed training for a new driver. The student had completed driver training (not with me,) and they and the parents felt that they were still nervous and could use some more help. Another parent responded that they had a similar issue with their own kiddo. This parent said that they had just done it. They had gone out on difficult weather, night and day conditions, and just kept driving, and driving, and driving. I could not have given better advice.

I have done this for some students, extra hours. But it’s expensive and I don’t have a lot of extra time beyond what I give to my regularly scheduled kiddos. The answer is always to just drive more. There is no substitute for experience. It takes a new driver 5 years of driving to get to be an average driver. Average! Who wants to be average, don’t we all like to think we are above average?

Every kid is different, and we do not all learn at the same rate. Driving is in incredibly complex task as it involves rules, spacial ability, reading social cues, hand-eye coordination, and quick problem solving. We do not all excel at all of these things.

Now, I know that for some parents who are super nervous, that can make things worse. Your nerves transfer to your new driver, which makes them more nervous, which makes things worse. None of us drive better when we are nervous. Try to either hide the nerves, or find someone calmer who can drive with your kiddo. As they calm down, and start to improve, you will be less scared, and in turn, so will they, and then they will drive better. It’s only a vicious cycle if you let it be. It can also be a positive cycle. Hang in there.

If you really need to ask for more help, please do so. There are times when you will really need more driving hours with a professional such as a kiddo with special needs. If there is a particular skill that your student is struggling with, please ask for help with that. Your driving instructor should be able to tell you exactly how they explain a particular skill set, so you can use those same words at home. Parents can often ride along for a driving hour to see how the instructor is explaining things, so you can duplicate their level of calm and clear communication.

It really is better to do this while your kiddo is still in class though, rather than wait until class is over. You should be practicing enough that you are seeing what your kiddo is struggling with, and asking for help when your teacher can intervene. There should be open communication and feedback from both sides.

This is all generic advice, having not spoken with the original parent, or met this student. I try very hard to take each student as I find them and help them the best way I know how. I’m glad that this parent is looking for more help rather than just saying, “My kid is 16, and everyone else is getting a license, and they took the class, so off you go into the world!” It’s important to know your kiddo and do everything you can to help them be safe and comfortable out there on the road. I still think the answer is likely, do more driving.

Observation Hours

I don’t know about everywhere, but here in my state we require all of our students to spend six hours sitting in the back seat of the driver’s ed car observing each other. I’ve had a lot of inquiries regarding why this is. Kids say, “I’ve spent the last sixteen years sitting in the back seat of cars watching other people drive. Why do I have to sit in the backseat of yours?” My quick answer has always been, “I don’t know. The state makes and us, and so we shall.”

It’s part of what we call a graduated licensing program, which has as many steps as possible between you being a non-driver, to a fully privileged licensed driver. The idea is that the more exposure you get to instruction, the more you can learn. Parents have said to me, “I’m not sure I feel safe having my kid in the car with a new driver.” Well, I’m right here to keep us safe, and if I can do it for your kid when it’s their turn behind the wheel, hopefully I can do it for all of the kids. It’s truly in my best interest to keep the drivers ed car in one piece as well as all of my students and myself for that matter. I’m going to to do my best.

It’s kind of a sneaky good idea though. In this age of screens in the back of every mom-van, phones in the hand of every kiddo starting younger and younger, having students actually look up and pay attention is really necessary. So many students are scared silly that they will not know how to get anywhere because they have never watched their parents drive. They are really shocked when I tell them that in our state until you turn 18, you cannot use GPS either unless it’s programmed into your actual car. No use of hand held devices AT ALL.

Having never watched people drive, they have less of a sense of right-of-way, and the common courtesies of driving. All that seems to penetrate that screen coma are the curses, honks, and feeling of road rage that permeates the car when parents are stressed and in a hurry. That’s what they are taking away, not the thank-you waves, careful inching out to see at a difficult intersection, or thoughtful blinker usage. Those things are quiet and so they don’t notice them.

Observation hours let them see what they did wrong on that same route, or what they can feel good about. It helps them see that we all make the same mistakes, and that we are all in this together. If something crazy happens, there is more than one student to learn from that one incident. We also have a lot of fun. Having some kids in the car means we can make new friends, have meaningful conversations, inside jokes, and positive encouragement.

Observation activities give direction to the hours, so there is meaningful learning going on. The activities should be simple so that kids who get car-sick or have night driving observation hours don’t have to read or write very much. It’s a fight sometimes to keep the observing kids engaged and not on their phones, doing other homework, or falling asleep. I try to have them be part of the experience as much as possible. Some of my students just muddle through them and cannot wait to get them over with. Some of my students would rather be in my car than some other places they might be stuck or have friends in the class and wind up doing several more than the allotted 6. Sometimes they just come along hoping we can squeeze in a drive-through during a driving hour, (which I firmly believe is a driving skill that is intimidating to new drivers and so I will do this if the driver wants to and it fits with time and our lesson plan.)

All in all, I’ve become more of a fan of the observation hours. I think parents should give thought to having kids be more and more engaged any time they are not the driver. Insist they put down the screens and observe. I know, then you have think about what you are modeling for them, but I hope you’re doing that anyways.

I hope you can take some time to really observe the world around you. Make fun of people driving badly, have a street sign BINGO game, play road trip games. Stop and smell the exhaust around us, and admire the pretty lights. Be safe!

Practice makes perfect

Dropping a kiddo off at school this morning, I was so very pleased to see several cars in front of me doing the same. Parents were getting out of the passenger sides of the cars and switching sides, having let their kiddos do the driving in to school. I love that! You know school is going to be one of the places that they will drive most, so have them practice it. There are a million reasons not to, including, but not limited to:

“We’re running late!”

“You’re tired this morning'”

“I’m just not in the mood”

“It’s cold and I don’t want to switch when we get there”

“We’ll hold people up”

Do it anyway. If you’re going to expect them to drive to school once they get that license, teach them to leave plenty of time in the morning to get there. Teach them to be sure to get a good night’s sleep so they are ready, (I know, easier said than done.) Good job parents, making it happen. Even if it’s ten minutes, every ten minutes helps. It really does add up, and then you’ll know they can do it when you send them out that first time on their own.

Teen Tracking: You are Here

One of my students was just telling me that their parents had been sneaky and installed an app on their phone without her knowledge. The app is called Life360 and it is designed to basically spy on her. Her parents will get reports based on anywhere she goes. It will relay to them top speeds, time for a given trip, sudden braking, and phone usage. Now, she was pretty unhappy that they had done this without telling her, but understood why. When she asked them about it, they told her they had done it, and that she would be in trouble if she disabled it. She understood their concerns about her driving, as she is about to get her first license. She also said this would let them know how her friends are driving, since they will know how long it took them, for example, to get to her dance class, which usually takes 15 minutes, and might take considerably less with some friends behind the wheel. So there might be some friends she will not be able to get rides from in the future, and she better watch her own driving when she is the one behind the wheel.

So, I started looking into this idea. There are a bunch of articles out there on different ways to spy on the kids. There are apps, devices to install in the car, and combo’s of both. USA Today wrote an article on technology and lists lots of options. Consumer Reports also wrote an article on how to track your teen driver. U.S. News & World Report did a piece on some of their favorite options. Feel free to peruse to see if any of these will be a good fit for your family. None of these articles though, really talked about whether this is a good choice.

Parent as you see fit. Use technology to do so if it makes sense for your family. I think we all need to do everything possible to keep our kids safe and sound, along with the rest of us out on the roads with these new drivers. Don’t feel bad for protecting your kids, and mine. I count on the fact that my kiddo knows that not only will I be watching out for their driving, but so will their friends parents, our amazing police, and everyone in this small town. Know who your kiddo is getting into a car with and how they drive. Make sure that if your kiddo is driving alone or with other kids in the car that they are making the safest choices possible. Set rules and stick to them. Have clear boundaries and consequences. Love your kids the best way you know how. Make choices you can feel good about. Good luck!

Choosing the Best Car

A lot of parents ask me what I might recommend as the best car for a new driver.

My best advice is to think about how they will use this car. If you have 8 kids and four really big dogs, a small car may not be the best fit for the family. If your kiddo loves to ski and plans to drive up mountains in the snow, maybe 4-wheel drive will be important. If they do a lot of stop-and-go city driving, a standard transmission might be a poor choice unless they like standing on a clutch. You want to feel good about the car, and you want them to like the car. Of course, some are more interested than others in things like the color, number of cup-holders, and aux-cord availability. New cars may have all the modern safety features you are looking for, whereas a used car may be more affordable.

I think reliability should be the first priority. I think safety is also important. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety put out this article about the latest safety ratings for cars for teen drivers. Cost will also certainly be a factor. Think about the costs of not just the car, but insurance, maintenance, gas mileage, and/or repairs.

Think about the tone of the discussion too. If you are telling your teenager that an old beater is the best choice because you think that they are likely to ding it up, that’s not a great vote of confidence for them. On the other hand, if you are getting them a brand new dream car, it may be overpowered for them and you may be sending the message that a new car is no big deal and that if they wreck it, it’s no problem, you’ll just get them another one. Think about how you want them to feel about the car. I would try for something in the middle where they will respect the car and try their best to take good care of it, but also not be beside themselves if something small happens to it.

Buying a car is an emotional purchase, and we all remember our first car. Think about how you felt about yours, and find that balance between practical, safe, and really liking the car. They only get one first car, make it a good one. Good luck!

Awesome Parenting

Patrick made my week! When we went out for our first driving hour, I asked how it went at home after the first day of class, where parents are encouraged to attend. Patrick said that his Dad talked to him. Dad has made a commitment to his son to try to be more aware of how he, himself, is driving, and try to drive the way he wants Patrick to drive. He said he would be more aware of how he is steering, going the speed limits, using his blinkers, and not being on his phone when he’s behind the wheel. He said it was not fair to ask his son to drive one way when he drove another way. This absolutely made my week.

Patrick’s Dad, Thank you! This is amazing parenting. If I know one thing about 16 year-olds, it’s that they have no tolerance for hypocrisy, and we all know from experience that, “Do as I say, and not as I do,” does not work. I love that you are setting a good example for your kiddo and also keeping yourself and the people on the road around you more safe in the process. I wish everyone would learn from your example, and I hope Patrick really appreciates your commitment to him. I know I do. I know what a strong influence parents can be, when they do it right. I’m a very happy teacher today.

To Practice, or Not To Practice… That Is The Question

Reasons not to practice with your kids:

I can’t believe My Baby is old enough to drive!
What if s/he hurts my car?
What if we crash and die?
This is what I’m paying the drivers ed teacher to do, right?
I’m too busy watching Netflix… ehem…doing errands.

Reasons to drive with your kids

They need home hours to get their license, and I can’t bring myself to forge the sheet saying we did them.
They have to practice for everything else, (soccer, piano, math,) so why would this be different?
If I see them making mistakes, I can help them. I know my kid better than anyone, even if they won’t admit it, and I can figure out what they are thinking. Maybe they are worried about the same things I was when I got my license.
I can give them some of my wisdom about where crazy people always cut me off, how stupid people are who don’t use their blinkers, where the big potholes are, and all my other pet-peeves.
I really love them and want them to be safe. If I see them drive in every condition I can think of, and make them do it again and again, then I will know in my heart of hearts, that they will be able to do it correctly when I am not there.

Please practice with your kids